New Moon
I really love my wife.
Which is why I took her to see New Moon. Not only see it, but she was seeing it for a second time. I guess all the horror/zombie/sci-fi films I force her to sit through are finally coming back to bite me.
I want to start by saying that I consider Twilight pornography.
Here’s what I mean. For many people, pornography sets up completely fantasy situations to which normal human beings cannot match. It is unrealistic and unfair for people to be compared to this.
Comparatively, the Twilight books and films have an unattractive, uninteresting high school girl who is being chased after what we are told are two great looking, intelligent, muscular guys. These guys are not only willing to go to the ends of the earth for the girl, but also, they say and do everything that a girl wants to hear all the time. Talk about a fantasy situation to which normal human beings cannot match.
In New Moon, the Native American kid who is 17, is cut like he fell into a swimming pool of razor blades. Not only is this male specimen unfair to the rest of us, it’s disturbing to hear 40 year old women throwing cat calls at a minor on a movie screen. How differently people would react is this was some old dude talking about how hot Miley Cyrus is.
All that aside, New Moon is a drawn-out boring ripoff of Romeo and Juliet. To make matters worse, they actually bring the Romeo and Juliet story into the plot at the beginning of the film, since a majority of the audience demographic is obviously too unintelligent to ever make that connection.
There is about a 7 hour segment dedicated to the main character and the Wolf-Man working on fixing up some motorcycles. Then she crashes and he’s like, Whelp, we ain’t riding these no more. This, of course, after he takes his shirt off. What next, is he going to deliver her a pizza with no shirt on? (see Twilight-porno scenario above).
One thing I did think might be cool would be the werewolves. This film opens up the storyline about some of the Native American kids who turn into werewolves. But, as Hollywood loves to do, we are bombarded with mediocre computer generated effects that look like second-rate Harry Potter rejects. Infrequently do the wolves ever look realistic and most of the time I just keep thinking, hey, look at those poorly constructed CG wolves.
Toward the end of the film, Edward, the main vampire/love interest, decides to commit suicide by showing himself to the world. Then the vampire high council has to…
Sorry, I fell asleep for a moment there. Typing it isn’t any better than watching it.
Anyway, it’s long and boring. If you like Twilight, you will most likely enjoy it. If you don’t like Twilight, avoid this movie at all costs.
The only good part of seeing New Moon was that I am finally able to watch a movie in a theatre without having to see a New Moon trailer before it.
November 22nd, 2009 at 3:56 pm
And I love you, too.
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:10 am
New Moon protest
November 24th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
wow. that’s exactly what i needed to hear. Part of me is intrigued by it all… i just needed the block. Mr. complain delivers again.
November 25th, 2009 at 9:45 am
Preach it.
Also, while we are on the subject of 40 year old women and cat calls, just to further prove how far gone “Twilight” women are, I had a discussion with two middle age women that goes as follows:
Me – “So, he can’t even fly?!? What kind of lame vampire movie is this?”
Twilight lady #1 – “So what?”
Twilight lady #2 – “Yeah, vampires can’t really fly. It’s REALISTIC.”
Me – “Oh yeah, cause living forever is realistic.”
Them – “Huh?”
Me – “So how come his hair is so tall in the front?”
Them – (Immediately throwing things at me.)